I always get myself into trouble.

Not illegal trouble or anything, just trouble in life. And i get into trouble by thinking. i think and think and think about every little detail of my life, of what i have to do, what plans i need to keep, what strategies i need to use to be successful in every facet of life possible. I think about people and why they are the way they are. I think why my life has to be this way when it could be so many different things. And all this thinking ties my thinker in knots.

Its never good when i think too much about any one thing or when im thinking about too many things at once.

Today at work my boss apoligized for not being able to give me next saturday off. i said it was ok as long as she was able to give me valentines day off. I told her i didnt think id be able to handle being in public this year. Especially being in a restaurant where there’ll be plenty of couples. I know its stupid. She said i was too young to be this way. I said i was old enough.

As i was saying the words i felt my voice begin to tremble. As i shook on the way out of her office i went to the computer station to put my apron on. And for a second i thought i was going to break down. When im constantly in motion, constantly moving towards the next task i dont really have much time to think. But the thoughts never that far away. the thought of how unhappy i am. I know ive been blessed with so many things, so many amazing opportunities. but at the end of the day i guess id just like someone to celebrate them with. or someone to say hey dont worry everything will be okay. or even just agree with me and say everything sucks right now.

life has a funny way of getting me out of trouble. my first table was very nice and i had many subsequent kind tables that helped get my mind off things, at least for the time i was at work. its like whenever im so very close to hitting rock bottom, so close to drowning in the deep end, life throws me a life-jacket. it stands me up, sweeps the dirt off my shoulders, and nudges me forward. it’s like it wants me to keep going despite all the trouble.

so, for now, I guess i will.